The dilemma Last year I discovered out that my husband of 20 years have been having an affair for some months. It came being a terrible shock – I cried and cried for weeks. When asked to pick between her and me, he chose her and left me. I maintained crying. 8 weeks after this revelation, I met someone and fell in love. It was a lifesaving event. Suddenly I could endure the pain of my husband’s betrayal. I felt alive and young again.
Now, my husband wants me back. He sees me happy and free of him, which of course much more attractive than the usual lamenting woman. He is still with his girlfriend and is probably worried to leave her in case Really dont take him back. We are torn. I’m happy with my new lover, especially sexually, but Also i long for the connection I had with my husband. He remains my mate and we have so much in accordance.
I don’t know whether I could trust or make love to him again and I don’t know what his real motives are. Does he want me back because the grass isn’t greener or as they really loves me? Several importantly, Really dont know what I would like. How do I discover?
Mariella replies So many choices. Before we start may i say how glad We are that you’re up for considering your own needs. What your husband wants, why he wants it and what he’ll do from it if he gets it really is intriguing, but definitely not it is important.
I’m surprised you still describe him otherwise you best friend. His behaviour falls way below the standard I’d expect of the good mate and as a spouse it’s even more disappointing. It’s very forgiving of you to regard his betrayal as more of the misdemeanour than the usual full stop, or you make allowances he doesn’t deserve.
There’s no point in being naive – affairs happen and long relationships are going to come up against obstacles. As a result, it’s a smart idea to take the long view. But such seismic moments also provide the opportunity to reconsider your options. I’m not saying what your husband has been doing is unforgivable – although a lot of others might. Life is long and love is complicated, so taking an absolute position is unhelpful.
Nevertheless, your letter includes a few jarring notes. You offer analysis of your husband’s possible motives in wanting to reclaim you, but his approach also suggests he hasn’t learned his lesson. Having embarked on an affair behind the back he now appears to be deceiving his mistress – I doubt she actually is aware of his desire to be reunited with you. Either he’s a dangerously indecisive person or is so preoccupied with his own emotional needs that he’s entirely blind to everyone else’s.
In the current state of indulgence and confusion, he’s to not be relied upon, particularly as he’s still covering his options by remaining shacked plan his lover. What they have given you is really a guilt-free second chance to upgrade or at least diversify in terms of your romantic choices.
There’s no knocking a 20-year marriage. It’s an excellent foundation. But what you don’t offer me are mitigating circumstances. Sometimes, if a lover betrays us, we know very well, deep down, the way you have been complicit in their actions. Conversely, you will find occasions when infidelity is simply the final injustice heaped with an unfortunate partner’s shoulders. Which position is yours, I wonder? Was this a bolt from your blue within an otherwise happy life, or even a near-inevitable progression after a period of unhappiness or stagnation?
Being brutally honest with yourself on all fronts may be the only method to begin the decision-making. Were you blessedly happy or drifting apart? Did you reside in each other’s pockets or lead separate lives? Rather than merely responding to his behavioural prompts, these are the questions you need to be pondering.
8 weeks is relatively speedy to “fall in love” after the end of a 20-year relationship. Maybe you were just lucky and were looking forward to a change. But this current relationship may be a temporary act of self-medication. The challenges you face if you attempt to rekindle your marriage are immense while you will struggle not to be suspicious of his every move. But out on your personal there are further hurdles, not least that so often we just repeat our old mistakes.
I’m interested by how little your new lover figures inside your calculations, which implies to me you might simply be rebounding. But this is not a binary choice between two men, it’s an opportunity to reshape your own future. You’ve received a chance, however unwelcome, to rethink your daily life and I will be inclined to savour the minute. If your husband is seriously interested in wanting to return, then making him wait will only increase that desire. Meanwhile, you have to do some hard thinking about whether someone who has betrayed you and left you bereft has really earned the correct to a second chance. Anything you decide, get it done on your own time, not anyone else’s.
When you have a dilemma, send a short email to mariella. [email protected] co. uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
• Comments with this piece are premoderated to make sure discussion remains on topics raised by writer. Be aware there might be a short delay in comments appearing on the website.